Today, Nigeria blows out 64 candles on her independence cake. It is hard not to marvel at the journey we have had so far. From the promising dreams of 1960 to the Elysian situation we find ourselves in today, it has been one heck of a sweet ride; sweeter than thaumatin.
Let us reflect. Since gaining independence from British colonial rule, we have nailed the art of self-governance. We have proven that nothing says sovereignty quite like our signature blend of political stability. Our transparent leadership and strength in democracy are excellent. Our leaders have mastered the fine art of governance with a flair for the spectacular.
Democracy has reached such epic heights that even the gods look down in envy. Nigerians have the absolute power to vote in who they deem fit without any interference. Vote buying is history. Every leader knows the desires of the people before they even utter a word.
Elections have become the ultimate display of pure spectacle. Voters now cast their votes via brain devices. Elections happen in milliseconds, with results delivered before breakfast, announced with fireworks, vuvuzelas, and orchestras in every city.
Corruption is practically extinct. Politicians now compete to see who can be the most honest. They willingly declare their assets at every public event. Lawmakers carry out their constituency projects with excitement. Governors transform their states with security votes and IGR. Gone are the days of bribery. Now, politicians refuse even a free cup of tea. They insist on paying for everything with receipts meticulously filed. The civil service is a paragon of transparency. So clear that the walls are made of glass, both literally and figuratively.
The Nigerian economy is the envy of the world. Our naira is so strong that global currencies bow before it in trepidation. In fact, the United States dollar gets converted to naira just to gain value.
Inflation is lost to history. Prices are so stable that goods are sold for less than they cost, just to give everyone a fair chance at wealth. Fuel is cheap such that N100 worth of fuel can fill up a Ford F-450 Super Duty.
Unemployment has become a myth. There are so many job openings that we have started hiring from other planets. Poverty has been utterly defeated, especially in the North, where even the simplest villager now lives in luxury. In Borno and Yobe states, an average Nigerian can afford the finest pleasures. Streets are filled with the aroma of blistering lamb chops, and beggars in designer sunglasses now offer financial advice, no longer begging. Farmers ride luxury SUVs disguised as tractors. Mai suya now rival Gordon Ramsay. They serve gourmet dishes.
There is unbreakable national unity. From Sokoto to Onitsha, Nigerians from all tribes are so tightly bonded that they finish each other’s sentences, share the same thoughts, and even breathe in sync. No one speaks of tribal differences. Every Nigerian claims to hail from a single tribe, where egusi and tuwo shinkafa harmoniously coexist on every plate.
At weddings, Yoruba, Igbo, and Hausa bridesmaids twirl in perfect unison. They blend cultures so seamlessly that they have forgotten who invented what. In politics, every election is a get-together where opposing parties hold hands and agree on everything. No skirmishes, no drama, no tribal altercation amongst supporters, just peace and unity.
For religious tolerance, every faith coexists in perfect harmony, like a perfect symphony. Christians and Muslims carry out interfaith celebrations every week. Bishops of mega churches build gigantic structures for mosques. Imams take Holy Communion for breakfast.
Our public hospitals are world-class. Doctors are paid in billions of naira per month. There is more than enough funding, durable infrastructure, and more than enough medical personnel to attend to patients.
Boko Haram and banditry have been crushed. They have simply become thrilling plot twists in our national story. We consider it a Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) sport. But in our own version, no one dies. The combat is for fun and recreation. People in IDP camps have been relocated to Canaan Land filled with excess resources. There is zero kidnapping.
Human rights abuses don’t exist anymore. Every Nigerian is safeguarded by a personal “Rights Guardian,” an AI-powered device that ensures no violation goes unchecked. There is absolute freedom of protests and demonstrations. Protests are held every week without suppression from the government.
Education in Nigeria is now the gold standard for the entire universe. Nigerian schools, from nursery to tertiary, are so advanced that toddlers recite quantum physics formulas before they can even walk. By age five, kids have mastered ten languages, including ones yet to be discovered. Our universities are not just centers of learning; they’re intergalactic hubs of innovation and tech. Harvard and Oxford now send their professors to Nigeria for retraining. Our students complete degrees in a week, and PhDs are handed out like candy because everyone is a genius. Classrooms are equipped with teleportation devices. Even the chalkboards are digital; they can answer questions before they are even asked. ASUU strike is now alien to our universities.
Our roads are marvels of engineering. Potholes? A forgotten remnant of the past. Our highways are smoother than marble, built with materials so durable they will last for centuries without a crack. Tourists visit just to marvel at the roads, so perfect they reflect the sky. They create a seamless journey from city to city, where every trip feels like a vacation.
Electricity is now a phenomenon. Every home is lit 24/7, not just with regular bulbs but with energy beams so bright they double as natural tanning salons. Power outages are a myth from ancient times, told to scare children. We now export surplus electricity to other countries, including Germany. We power half of Africa and still have enough left to run the entire internet. Our electrical grids are so advanced they heal themselves; any minor glitch is instantly fixed by the wires, which seem to have developed a mind of their own.
Let us toast to these incredible achievements of our 64 years of independence. We are a nation that has truly mastered the art of thriving in a delightful mix of goodness and perfection.
Happy 64th birthday, Nigeria. Here is to more progress, more development. May our future be brighter than quasars.
